In the early hours of Sunday 16th May we set off for Nottingham. I was fearing the worse when raindrops flicked the windscreen, but on arrival we were met by a glorious morning overlooking Trent Bridge. We had a strong team with Super Si, Koala Kate, Big Willy Style, Pristine Pauline, Juicy Jenny, and Dick Dastardly Dan S making their return to action. A sizable amount of crews were in attendance, although no Amathus who were supposedly sneaking into a Corporate Games event. Our borrowed Batchworth boat was ready and the Gazebo was up, although a tad precarious. It was time to race.

First 200m race

In our first 200m, we were drawn in Lane 1 against Thames and Three Rivers. Our start was powerful and we were away from the pack. The transitions weren’t up to our best and Phan our upfront Goddess of the Water, aka ‘Aphrodite’ felt the drag on each stroke. We were neck and neck with Thames. Coming into the finish and with strong currents our boat began to drift to the borders of our lane. Good helming by Sambo aka ‘Sam-Wise Gandhi’ ensured we stayed in the race and everyone paddled through, locked in. A performance of promise coming 2nd;

Thames: 49.66, Typhoon: 50.21, Three River Serpents: 51.59

Semi Final

We were the fifth fastest boat but with no reps in place we had to succeed in our semi final against Thames and Cool Runnings to avoid the Plate. We were drawn in Lane 3 which hugged a bend in the Trent over shallow water, not an ideal position but we were certainly not out of it.  Phan/Aphrodite wanted to slow the rate, ensuring we had the power before bringing it back up. After being held at the start for quite a while, Pete aka ‘Meaty Beats’ was grateful Will ‘Maverick Top Gun’ had brought his apple Lucozade on board as the heat combined with nerves were making Meaty Pete feel like he had licked the ‘real’ Gandhi’s flip flop. Good lad that Maverick, although a bit too into gossip magazines. Our start wasn’t as strong as race one but the transitions were slick  and our ex-captain Dan Chin ‘Dragon Playboy of the year 2005’ commented on our beautiful style.

Thames: 50.84; Cool Runnings: 52.63 ; Typhoon: 53.38

After the 2nd race we had a bit of time to relax and take some food on board. My fruit sherbets went down a storm as did Will’s  savoury cakes and grass from Jenny’s chest. We were also celebrating Kate’s belated birthday and cake was aplenty. Although I’m sure Kate would have liked to keep some of the chocolate for Scarlett Johannson, but that’s not here nor there. Alan aka ‘Big Al’ was up to no good, attacking poor defenceless Aaron aka ‘Milky Bar Kid’, distracting race officials with football’s in the Trent and losing his shoes/marbles. We calmed Big Al down with some food and it wasn’t long before we were back warming up. A term which perhaps Sam-Wise Gandhi & Dhana took too far with the promise of showing each other their white bits. I’m still yet to see either’s white bits but we are only at BDA 3 Ladies & Gents.

200m Tail Final

Anyway... Back to what we came for, DRAGONNNN BOAT RACCINNGGGG. And with that, Race 3, our 200m Tail Final up against Cool Runnings and Ex-Calibre. We were drawn in Lane 3 once again but were determined to use our ‘beautiful’ style to make up for the disadvantageous currents. We raced hard and the boat never dropped in power but with unfavourable conditions and some boat movements, we came in a respectable 2nd, two seconds behind the Exeter Massive.

Ex-Calibre: 50.69; Typhoon: 52:19; Cool Runnings: 54.06

First 500m race

We moved onto the 500 metres mark: a distance which quite rightly is longer than the 200 metres. With the extra distance, we were looking for extra power. Ping aka ‘Mr Protein’ proposed wind power, and with the amount of protein he was putting away, I saw a potential gold. We were drawn in Lane 1 against Worcester Dragonflies and our beloved Raging Dragons. With the officials eager to keep to time, ‘down and ready’ was called whilst our boat was aiming straight for the wall and some poor helpless barge. Thankfully Sam stalled the cheeky monkeys and we lined up once more.

Our start wasn’t as sweet as chocolate, and Rage quickly tore away. We didn’t give in and kept going, moving through the transitions nicely. Phan/Aphrodite was leading the way followed by Ping/Mr Protein’s gust of new energy. As we moved past the 300m mark our boat began to catch Rage, a sight which excited Batchworth on the sides. We came in 2nd, behind Rage and awaiting the results from the other 5 heats.

Rage: 2:01:56; Typhoon: 2:07:63; Worcester Dragonflies: 2:24:56

500m Rep

We were the 11th fastest and found ourselves in the good old Reps’ alongside Crusaders and Kingston Pretenders. Certain paddlers were beginning to feel some aches and Pete ‘Meaty Beats’ came in with a more sexual warm up to freshen things up a little.  Ping/Mr Protein even came in with a sterling speech: “Remember, reality is like a matrix” mmmmm maybe not.

We took a while to get into position and I was thanking my lucky stars that I took a fruit sherbet onto the boat. The sugar coating, combined with a soury powder like fizz, delightful. We took off, hot on Crusaders our nemesis from Liverpool BDA a fortnight ago. Some timing issues and an impersonation of a caterpillar didn’t help our fight and we slipped off Crusaders; coming a well fought but slightly annoying 2nd. Both of our times weren’t fast enough and we found ourselves in the Plate Semi Final, which I think should be renamed the ‘Recycling Cup’ as off-cuts go in but useful, different results come out.

Crusaders: 2:09:28; Typhoon: 2:13:94; Kingston Pretenders: 2:23:97

Will/Maverick’s biker seat stool proved great entertainment for Sam-Wise Gandhi and some cheap thrills for Dhana aka ‘White bits’. A cheeky penalty shoot out saw some woeful shooting from Big Al combined with some just as bad keeping by Meaty Beats.  While all of this tomfoolery was going on, Ling aka ‘Pocket Rocket’ was stretching out every muscle in her body. A real trooper that young one, a credit to the sport and someone I tip for the top. The new Lynda perhaps?

500m Plate Semi Final

As we moved onto our penultimate race, the Plate Semi, team spirit was flying high even if the tanks were running low and suffered a slow punctured once we heard our lane draw. We were in lane 3 again against Secklow and into battle with the Crusaders once more.  A tough ride saw us come in 3rd and dropping into the Plate Minor final.

Secklow: 2:10:45; Crusaders: 2:10:13; Typhoon: 2:19:88

500m Minor Plate Final

The Minor Plate Final saw us up against Cool Runnings and Henley. Cool Runnings had to do a time trial on their own after their steering paddle fell off half way through their semi final. Their time was faster than ours, which I think is a great achievement considering the lack of opposition. As we prepared to embark the chariot for one last battle we learnt that even God’s feel pain. Phan/Aphordite was out of the race and on the drum. It was up to ‘Anything but Angelic Angie’ to set the pace.

As we sat in our seemingly preferred lane 3, some light entertainment appeared. A young ‘wrong un’ on his bike with a huge speaker attached on the back pumping out some Drum & Bass.  Soon the boat was rocking and everyone went wild. Well, when I say everyone I mean just our boat with both Henley and Cool Runnings looked a tad worried. And when I say our boat I mean pretty much just me.  Henley were initially penalised with a 2 second penalty for turning up late. On second inspection they were scared of the Typhoon and had the penalty removed.

Anyway.... the race, yes the race! What can I say? We gave it everything we had left, Laura aka ‘Burnt Farmer’ screamed her heart out and Ping/Mr Protein certainly blew out everything. We came 3rd but who’s looking?

Henley: 2:13:53; Cool Runnings: 2:14:41; Typhoon: 2:16:00

Ladies Race

After the event, our ladies joined Secklow ladies and I still think Ty-Sex would have been the right name.  They paddled their hearts out and from the bank you could feel the pain. Driven on by Laura on the drum they were right in the mix of things, coming a very respectable 4th against some very powerful / beefcake women.  In our eyes the Typhoon Babes were of course the winners!

Final Thoughts

As we packed up and watched the awards ceremony I certainly felt some mixed emotions.  I want us to be challenging those top crews and for that we need to apply even more to training on and off the boat. I see that we have the technique, we have the timing, and if we could accelerate the stroke some more we would see sizable improvements.  I also see a group of friends who are like a family and give everything for one another.  A group which I’m proud to belong to.


Pete Rhodes
‘Meaty Beats’

BDA 1 - Royal Albert Docks | BDA 2 - Liverpool